Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Vent Session

I'm not one to vent out personal issues publicly to random people
In fact I usually keep to myself...

BUT...I have had things on my mind recently and needed to vent...to write
You see, I had this professor in college. I forget the class, something about English, writing, reading, bla bla...
Anyways, he was amazing. He taught me to write just to write. It didn't matter how bad the grammar sounded, it was just important to focus on writing and getting all your feelings out there. So that semester I did just that. We read stories, and wrote about them. We kept journals of our personal life, and wrote about them. We wrote about everything...just to write. Some of it the teacher didn't even read, and what he did read wasn't graded on grammar, but on how we wrote...make sense?
Anywho...I am going to do just that...write it out.
Whether or not your interested to read...well that's a different story. But I promise I'll bake something SPECTACULAR to make it up =]
Here goes nothing

Im disappointed. Disappointed in what you say? Myself. Now I know that is sounds funny since I have accomplished so much in the past little while, but you see its those things that have made me realize just how disappointed I am in myself. Being a mom, I realize I want to be the best person for my little angel. I want her to be proud of me. I want to be an example. I LOVE her, I can't stop holding her and cuddling her. I want her to be proud of me.

I wish I could have finished college. I don't know if it's due to that fact everyone I started college with is now graduating, or its the fact that I don't feel smart enough anymore. Or maybe it's because I want to teach my children the importance of an education, but yet how can I if I am a terrible example.

You see I went to school in Idaho. It was an AMAZING school. The teachers, the classes, and the overall spirit of the school was spectacular. I left when I got married just short of finishing my associates. When I moved back home I tried to finish my associates but every school was telling me that over HALF of my credits didn't transfer and that I would basically have to start all over. I was devastated. AND not to mention due to the budget cuts, alot of the state schools weren't accepting new students. I became depressed. I became lazy. I was LOST. So I picked up hobbies. I started working out, and baking, and doing random things but I became so sad because I wanted so badly to finish school. I tried going to a community college and I hated it. I'll never forget the first day my teacher walked in saying the F word, and talking about how she hated the government, hated my religion, and loved to get drunk. I thought...THIS is my college professor. I dropped that week. My other teachers at the college weren't much better so I gave up. 
Did I give up to soon?
I guess with everything I was just so angry. I wanted to go to my old school, where I felt I was getting the BEST education. I was mad that they wanted me to retake most of my schooling, and I was mad it was so expensive...for such a crappy education. NOT to mention they cut half my classes due to budget cuts.
So here I am venting at midnight about how I wish I would have something to show my children..something they could look up to. I hope one day I finish. I hope one day I can accomplish my goals so my children can work towards theirs as well...

Anyways, I'm done for now. Thanks for listening =]


  1. Awe love you girl! You will still be an example to your babies no matter what! My parents didn't go to college and I still have so much I look up to them for specially my mom! You'll always be their mommy ;). We miss you in Idaho! I wish you guys could have stayed here. And not everyone is graduated that you went to school with...Melissa and I are still trucking along! Miss you girl!

  2. first of all your kids will look up and love you no matter what. its about what you choose to do and how you choose to live your life that matters. both my parents never finished college and I have to say I aspire to be like them more than anyone. But if you want to finish school, I think you should. I totally understand what your going through in my own way im trying to get into a nursing program and its near impossible and while all my friends r graduating Im waiting around in Limbo. But you cant give up. as far as classes not transferring, I know you went to a private school but Iv transferred a few times and its all about taking charge. if there is a class similar to a schools requirement that they wont except you can fight it and allot of the time they will give you the credits. people dont take the time to try but if you go to records allot of the time you can get the credits you need. Trust me I have dont it and my brother did it too when he transferred from UC riverside to USC. I was at one point slowly making my way through school while working a full-time, graveyard shift job for a year taking a few classes at a time. you can definitely finish and the key is not beating yourself up for how fast, or smart, or this or that you are but working it within your lifestyle and enjoying it. wow sorry so long, sorry but in my own way I get what your feeling and you can definitely finish!

  3. Your willingness to be so raw and real is SO admirable. I love that you are willing to put yourself out there in the open for anyone to read flaws and all. How could your kids not look up to you? I love reading your blog and I loved this post, you aren't afraid to have fun and spunky topics and also have more deep realistic convo where other real women can relate too. Baby Gage comes in January and I am 2 classes away from an Associates, but for some reason it feels SO unreachable! Its going to be hard really hard to commit to finishing school with a new baby but with the support of family, friends, the blogging community, YOU CAN TOTALLY DO IT!
    Anyways not sure where this post is headed but.... I just want to say I look up to you, I think you are funny and beautiful and you look so great right after having a baby, hopefully I will be able to look that good a few months out! I hope you know that anything you truly wan to do in life is possible. You can do it!